Here Comes the Rain Again-Toya
Annie Lennox...sigh...I love that woman. The Eurythmics were so fierce.
Text message to Tia from me this afternoon: " I am out on love. Out, I say. No more. Why won't God give me "the gift (of singleness)"? I mean, I AM the only one asking for it!"
Less than a good week of bliss and then just like one of my favorite Martin episodes "Grand openin', grand closin'". My dad and I were talking on the phone during our weekly phone date and he asked me how I was doing with my hormones. We both started laughing and I thought that maybe I should tell him about the guy I have found myself falling for. I initially didn't want to tell him. The thing is, I have told this story about twice this week and it is a loooooong behind story if you don't know the history of me and this person. I only told two of my closest friends because I wanted them to know what was going on with me. For the most part, I had laid it down, and just thought of him when cute little love songs came on. I was chillin'. Not going with my gut feeling, I spilled the beans.
When I got to the part of revelation, the part where I looked into his eyes and it seemed there was no one else in the room and my heart suddenly felt too big for my chest (the aforementioned angina feeling), my dad brought this monsoon to my parade:
Toy, you want someone that will say the same thing about you; someone that walks away from you and feels the same way...
That is what he said, but this is what I heard:
Oh poor Toya. Here we go again. You think that THIS is different? It's not, because once again, you are totally feeling someone that is not feeling you. Familiar?
This all has very little to do with "him". Up until then , I was fine if this person never reciprocated my feelings because I trusted in God for whatever He wants for me and was happy and content with love. But then the tide changed when I started looking at myself and frankly, I am really embarrassed. Like, what was I thinking? When has it ever worked out where I liked someone first? To put it simply I am just tired of it all. I keep asking myself where the breakdown was; where is the leak? I have strategically put this wall up for myself to no avail and unbeknonwst to me out of nowhere, I really started to fall. I have been wise, I have guarded my heart and I have handled this better than any other time that I have been interested in someone. I have been completely obedient. And now at the end of it all, I am again hurt because in looking at it all, I am just not convinced that having these feelings are even worth the space that they take up. I am just tired of feeling this way first. I hate to say it but I think I am back to my cynical old self.
I am pefectly aware that this is fear talking but "hope deferred makes the heart sick." I want to start getting well and place my hope in other things, not this.