Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Blame It On Me- Toya
"Blame It On Me" is by the one and only Chrisette Michelle who is a BEAST of a singer. Good golly!"
Hi, my name is Toya. I recently quit one of my two jobs (the highest paying one) to become a freelance writer.
It's been almost three weeks. Ask me how much freelance writing I've done.
Okay but this is the thing though: I've done more research on freelance writing and how to be self employed than actually doing it! It's been three weeks! Had I known that I would need about three weeks to find my mojo in this thing, perhaps I would have stayed at my job longer. Do I have regrets? You have no idea.
I'm not saying that I did the wrong thing. I am saying that I may have done the right thing at the wrong time...which really in essence is the wrong thing in my opinion. I just read a piece on Clutch Magazine that almost identically mirrored what I shared about how I did not realize how unhappy I was at my job until my emergency wisdom tooth surgery forced me to be off from work. However the author of this piece said that she saved up a modest amount of money before she made her exit. Now I knew it was going to get slim for me but in my head, I had it all worked out. So I thought. Turns out in factoring my bills, I somehow forgot about a large bill that was due. It wasn't one of those "pay half now and pay later" bills. It was a "pay now or that's your behind" bill. How on earth do you just not remember that? How does that slip one's mind??? While I have been able to breathe better since I left my job, I have never been more aware of my inadequacies as I am right now. This has been the most emotionally draining year of my entire life. So much so that this is what I prayed on my way home from work in regards to my finances:
"I can't worry about this. I don't mean that as a way to psyche myself out. I mean I absolutely do not have the capacity. I just don't. I don't have it in me to worry, I don't have it in me to cry, and I don't have it in me to tarry in some long drawn out "God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob" type prayer. I don't have it in me anymore. This is the real: I'm in the pit right now. Just help me get out of the pit. If you choose not to intervene, I still love you. I still believe that you work out things for my good. But hear me when I say, I have no more emotion to offer to any of this and the nineteen other things going on around me right now. "
That's all I've got really. As Luvvie of the blog Awesomely Luvvie says often, when it comes to worrying, I can't and am unable to can. I just don't have it in me anymore. Come what may, I am just going to deal with things and keep my head above water.
Let's talk about some positive life lessons though:
Lesson #1: In regards to going out, there is no such thing as "it's only ten dollars." Oh no ma'am. It's so real out here right now. Ten dollars may as well be one hundred dollars at this point. I'll take both please.
Lesson #2: I know I said that I have never been more aware of my inadequacies as I am now. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I am becoming more aware of how I am wired. I am becoming more and more aware of the kind of creative person I am and in what environment I thrive in. For example, I need to see people on a daily basis. I have got to get out of the house if I want to get anything creative out of my system. I may not always need to write in public. In fact I am currently writing this late at night at home after getting off from work. But to get my thoughts flowing I need to be around people at some point during the day be it the library, the gym, or whatever. I spent the whole day today working alone and couldn't even manage to finish one thing because the thoughts just weren't flowing. I felt so isolated. The only company I had was a rotisserie chicken that I got from Sams Club.
Which brings me to Lesson #3:
Lesson #3: In no way should I ever EVER have the option of being left alone in the house with an entire carcass of chicken. That's just way too much chicken for one person. I've never consumed so much chicken over the course of one day in my entire life and it started the moment it got in the car with me. Those drumsticks never had a chance.
Lesson #4: I don't care what your pastor or the latest hit on gospel radio says, it is not everyone's season. I feel like some churches are really big on declaring at the top of a new year that people are entering a season of people reclaiming what has been lost in recent times. I get that it's a very popular and encouraging message. I hear it all the time (not in my church though). This is the thing: it's not everyone's season. It CAN'T be EVERYONE'S season! It's easy to get caught up in that if you don't know how to listen to the ways that God speaks to you and around you.
I've been reading Psalm 107 which tells a few examples of people who have gone the wrong way and yet God was merciful and rescued them. I have no idea what that is going to look like for me. What I do know and am understanding more and more is that life is hard and if you are still here then that means that there is a chance of things getting better. There is always a way out. You just have to be patient and wait for it. In the meantime, I am going to just press forward and do the best that I can with what I can. Something needs to happen fast though or this is going to be me...